Up until a few years ago, i was certain that rock music and Harry Potter books were the pathway to hell. I was sure that anyone who really loved their kids would home school them, spank them, and have at least 11 of them. I knew FOR SURE that we hadn't been to the moon, and that Halloween was the devil's birthday. I was positive that getting married meant I would have to get pregnant right away and then stay at home for the rest of my life.
I was always uncomfortable with the idea that only MY family (and others exactly like it) was going to heaven. As a teenager, I mostly avoided thinking about everything and just went through the motions. Eventually i realized i could avoid addressing these issues forever, as long as i never got married. Marriage meant submission, and kids. And kids meant homeschooling, (of which i was terrified) and the responsibility to teach them what i had been taught. If i never got married, i could slip under the radar and avoid all the hard choices.
Well now that I'm married (and finally seeing the errors in my upbringing) I am completely cut adrift.
I want an education, but i am lost in the sheer volume of things I've never learned.
I want children, but probably only 4 or 5, and we're waiting at least 5 years to start our family. How do I overcome the guilt involved with that simple choice?
I don't want to home school my kids, but I know nothing about the alternative.
I want a career, but that will mean day-care for my potential future children, and wont that turn them into mindless spoiled zombies? I have mothers guilt before I'm even a mother.
Even little things bother me:
I want to play on the worship team at church, but doesn't God hate it when we plug guitars into an amp?
I want to ask my husband to do the laundry while I'm at work, but wont it emasculate him to do women's work?
My tomorrow hinges on the choices i make today. Do i have the patience to completely re-educate myself? Do i have the courage to make these decisions? Will I ever be truly free?
So many choices, so much freedom. So many questions, so much fear.
Have you dealt with these questions and fears for yourself? Do you have any tips or advice?