Sunday, June 26, 2011

Giving God A Chance

I go to church. Sit. Listen. See the people around me with need in their eyes.
There's a mom by herself. No ring on her finger, a baby by her side. She looks content.
An elderly couple, holding hands. He is weak; I can see the oxygen tank under his chair. They seem peaceful.
Something draws them all together.
Something gives them comfort.
The pastor rambles on, I know what he will say before he says it. Why does this place no longer inspire me?
I am not challenged.
I am not comforted.
Instead i cringe at words like "Master" "Perfect" "Holy" "Only"
I no longer fear fire and brimstone. I am a sceptic. I am teetering on the edge of indifference. My heart is hard. I am afraid to get hurt.
Today I went to another place.
The pastor looked me in the eye from the stage and said: Jesus told us not to let our hearts be hardened.
Like the seeds that fall on the road die, so the Word that falls on a hardened hear will die.
Don't let life make you hard.
Life has walked all over me. Life has packed the dirt of my heart into a hard, smooth, road.
Maybe God is more loving than i remember. Maybe he doesn't hate me. Maybe he wants to be my friend.
But can i really learn that from a book?
Can i explore spiritual things with my spirit closed up tight like a pine cone?
I think I will go back next week.
To this strange place where the man in the blue shirt preaches with tears in his eyes.

Maybe it's time to turn up the soil of my heart and give God a chance.


  1. Girl... the god you were shown as a child is NOT the great, wonderful, all-powerful God of the universe. I read your post "childhood memories" & it made me so hurt & angry that someone could ABUSE their child in the name of God. If you give Him a chance to show you who He REALLY is, you'll be surprised to realize that He is truly loving, forgiving & NOT sitting up high ready to strike us with lightning for every sin, big & small. And you'll also wonder which Bible your parents were reading!

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  3. Please, don't be afraid to take a break from religion altogether if you need to. There is no reason you have to go to church or listen to words that only hurt you right now. Don't force yourself - you sound like you need a break! And remember, in the end, if you don't want to, you don't HAVE to be religious, or believe in God. I don't. I still have happiness and joy, and I've found much more peace on the outside. I'm not against people being religious - I understand it brings a lot of people comfort and meaning. I'm just pointing out that you don't have to do what you don't want to do and you don't have to feel what you don't want to feel. And most of all, whatever you do, don't let any pastor boss you around! This is *your* journey, so make it yours!

  4. I cringe too. I don't have much hope for religion most days, but I'm happier than I have ever been. I feel safer than I ever have. I'm starting to lose the fear.

  5. Thank you for this! It is exactly where I'm at. If it weren't for friends and that fact that I love being the pianist, I wouldn't go to church at all. I'm tired of it, hardened against it. And yet....the searching always brings me back. Thank you for sharing everything you have here.