He was so disappointed in me. I knew it, and now time was running out again. "Are you going to stop?" His grip tightened on my arm. Panic surged through my body, threatening more tears, I bit down on my lip. "God please make me stop! Help me control myself!" My mind screamed out to God, but nothing happened. No sense of calm. I should have expected this, God doesn't answer bad 6-year-olds. My little body shuddered and i started to sob again. Failure. Dad pulled me back over his knee and hit me three times with a wooden spoon. Pain blossomed up the back of my legs, my bottom. I cried. Loud. I was completely unable to control myself and i was dizzy from trying. Dad clamped his hand over my mouth. "silence" he hissed. Now he was frustrated as well as disappointed. What was wrong with me? Why was i too weak to just say "yes sir" and shut my mouth?
My foggy little mind understood why this was happening. I needed to learn to be silent when i was punished and Daddy was helping me. If i was allowed to be loud and mellow dramatic, the neighbors might get the wrong idea and tell the cops that we were being abused. The cops weren't Christians, and they wouldn't understand. They might get a judge to split up our family, and it would be all my fault. Daddy was just protecting our family. I mustered all my strength and stood very still. I sucked in as much air as i could, held my breath and waited. "are you going to control yourself now?" I nodded. Not too fast. "Do you understand why i had to spank you?" I'd forgotten actually, but I nodded anyway. I was running out of air. "Are you sorry?" I nodded again, waited. My vision began to go dark around the edges. I didn't dare draw a breath and ruin this long awaited silence. "Alright, come here" My father took me in his arms and I slowly let out my breath. It was over now. My body was still shaking but my lips were clamped shut. "What do you say Sarah?" he asked. Still no gentleness in his voice, but the anger was gone. I cautiously opened my mouth, terrified that my body would betray me again. I wiped the tears and snot away with the back of my hand and whispered: "Thank You"
I remember my dad spanking and spanking. I posted about it too.
ReplyDeleteI remember this. I remember shutting down all feeling and emotion to make it through. I also remember that showing emotion or "refusing" to stop crying was "rebellion", "defiance" and further "disobedience", which meant the spanking continued. Even when I told him I couldn't stop, he would just tell me that I had a choice to obey and punish me again. But most of my memories of this type of thing, is me listening in the hallway, crying and wishing that I dared to go in and rescue the sibling being punished.
ReplyDeleteThat's horrible! I have no words.
ReplyDeletethese memories are just recently resurfacing for me. It's strange how we gloss over the past, and so readily cover up the things our parents do.
ReplyDeleteWow, thinks brings up so many thoughts. My first reaction is gratitude realizing how much further my parents could have taken the crap they were fed. I think about 15 minutes was probably a record whipping in our house. Still completely unacceptable. I can definitely relate to Young Mom's comment about being outside wanting to run in and rescue the victim sibling. It's why I left home with nowhere to go but my fiance's house, and lied to my parents for months about where I was staying, then pressured him into a marriage neither of us were prepared for to end the lies. I knew if I stayed home I would end up attacking my mom.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet it sounds like you went through even worse. I can only shake my head and marvel at your strength in moving forward and taking those bad experiences to learn from.
I can't even imagine this. I was spanked but not in such a sadistic, controlling, evil way. I still don't agree with spanking regardless of HOW it's administered, but the way you've written sounds like something demonic, dark & just vile. I can't begin to understand what type of relationship you have with your father now. If you do.
ReplyDeleteYea.....they were called spanking marathons. They went on forever with me because I was so furious I would never suck up to dad by bending over on my own, or say "yes sir", or "thank you", until I was about to puke from the pain
ReplyDeleteWow that DOES sound sick, twisted and completely sadistic! Sometimes we bury the pain to get by emotionally and the memory of it all gets buried right along with it. Remembering now probably means you're strong enough to deal with it and confront your demons (no pun intended) if that's a desire of yours. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIf you don't mind sharing this information, what Christian denomination were you? Do you know what 'parenting plan' your dad was following? My parents spanked us all in the name of God and it really makes me mad, sad, angry, ugh! We don't spank our babies.
ReplyDeleteMy parents didn't prescribe to any denomination. My dad has always mocked and scoffed at every denomination. He compiled his own list of truths and taught them like they were the ONLY truths. They used material from the Pearls, Vision Forum, The Botkins and Rod & Staff.
ReplyDeleteThis is heartwrenching.
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing and for your courage to embark on this journey.
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Love the look of your blog, by the way. <3
I am so sorry that you guys have had to live through the horrific beatings. Those parents were abusive!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm not against spanking, but I'm against beating. My parents spanked us, but it was, at the most, 5 swats. It lasted about 5-10 seconds and then it was over.
I cannot comprehend spanking someone for any longer than 5-10 seconds...that's abuse and if I EVER saw a parent do that, I would turn them in!
Anonymous, who decides what type of spanking is abusive? Is it you? Is it me? Is a spanking okay as long as it only lasts 10 seconds? Or is it 20? Should a parent use their hand? or an impartial object like a spoon? Or a switch? Maybe a pvc pipe? Is 5 swats okay but 6 swats is abusive? should you force your child to bend over your knee? or do you just swat at them when they run past? My parents are wonderful loving people who tried to do everything right. They said the same things you're saying now. That they're apposed to beating, im sure they would have turned somebody in for beating children in way they thought was inappropriate. In my opinion there is NO right way to spank. Even the mildest of spankings can lead to lasting emotional, mental and sexual repercussions. You may be one of the lucky ones who is not permanently damaged, but another kid who was just "swatted" for 5-10 seconds might end up with self esteem issues, warped sexuality, self destructive tendencies, or low self worth. Any kind of hitting is dangerous to a child and your relationship with that child. Are you really willing to risk that based solely on what YOU think is acceptable?
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your concern and your sweet support. I have been so blessed and encouraged by all of you. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteEnigma .. my heart goes out to you. My parents didn't spank because of their church ... but just because that is what parents did in my day - I am nearly 57.
ReplyDeleteI am vehemently against spanking children.
From the first time my parents laid their hands on me, they lost me. My love, respect and trust. How do you respect or trust those who hit you .. or others??
All I learned ..was fear, pain, anger, hate and resentment. Oh and that they didn't love me - the post spanking 'I love you' meant nothing to me - they had just hit me! I didn't hit people ! They told me that 'people don't hit one another' so .. they lied .. didn't they?? Also there was NO way ... I was going to go over someone's knee to be spanked bare bottomed with a hand or slipper - and no way I was going to just 'take it' .. and no way I was going to say 'sorry' after that either ... and no way ... I was going to say I loved them and hug them. So there was a lot of yelling and a lot of spanking. They lost a lot .. and so .. did I. My mother thought this quiet, gentle child was 'fine with it' and said so when we discussed it a year or two back before she died - I wasn't .. I was a seething mass of hate .. and fear ..and prayed every day to be taken into care .. or to somewhere I wasn't going to be hurt and frightened.
Enigma - God .. never ever wanted or expected a child to be spanked/ hit .. 'in his name' ... for any reason. I believe the devil has managed to get hold of a lot of people and they teach others a lot of rubbish ... some are secular teachers and some are 'Christian' and also write for the secular market. They are evil, vile and should be stopped - put in prison for life - and all the books recalled and burned.
I don't understand .. how ANYONE can spank a child just with one smack .. let alone on and on and on like this ... it makes NO sense to me whatsoever. Why should adults, criminals and animals be safe under the law from being hit - but our most vulnerable members of society are not if someone utters the magic word ... 'discipline' .. which means to teach ... and not to hit ??
I never think about this (at least consciously -- I have a lot of problems with shallow breathing, light-headedness, and anxiety in general!) but this is so familiar.
ReplyDeleteThat is so horrific. We (my sisters and I) were all spanked. But not to this degree. We didn't have to say thank you or keep quiet. When we were old enough we would duck away from my mother and she would would just swat at whatever she could reach. I stepped in often(I am the oldest) when it came to my younger (not youngest-there are 3 of us) sister. My mom and her butted heads from the start. My mom was definitely abusive with her and I know T has lots issues bc of it. When I moved out, I took T with me. She was just turning 17 and still in high school. I did the best I could for her-I was still young too. I knew it would be better for her though away from my mom.
ReplyDeleteMy mom has since apologized to us, but it has taken a while to get to a good place with her.
Just recently I remebered the humiliation of the naked spanking. The additional sting paired with being stripped to the knees in front of strangers is too much to dwell on sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe what some parents do to their kids! Absolutely sickening. I hope everybody who had to endure this will receive a full healing someday.
ReplyDelete