Hopeless?

After the falling-out with my mother, she emailed me and asked me to "agree to disagree." Told me in no uncertain terms that she was not going to change her mind. I began to have nightmares. For three nights in a row i woke up crying. My dreams were filled with terrible, unspeakably graphic horrors. I will spare you the details that still make me shudder, but the underlying theme is important. In every dream, someone i loved was being hurt, and i was powerless to stop it. I screamed and no-one listened. My parents looked away and said it was under control. I woke up every morning overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness.

Last weekend a dear friend of mine was murdered in the crossfire of a gang war. At the funeral on Wednesday, there was more than just grief. There was palpable anger, and hopelessness. A child in a casket, so wrong, so senseless. A group of noisy young men stalked past the funeral home towards the end of the day with visible markings on their clothes. Gang members. Loose clothes easily concealing the guns they most likely carried. I wanted to scream, shake them, force them to see the damage they had caused. Don't they know there is more to life than these few city blocks? How many people need to die for them to get the point? I left that night, overwhelmed with a feeling of hopelessness.

We all yearn for a better future. Humans constantly seek to better themselves, to make a difference, to right what is wrong. But for every step forward, we fall 2 steps back. As humans we are capable of feeding someone who is hungry, but tomorrow, another person will die of starvation. I could devote my life to helping humanity, but in the end, I will die, and my dreams will die with me.The truth is, that my love is not enough. I am not big enough to hold every broken person in my arms. I am not strong enough to carry every burden and dry every tear. I cannot promise every grieving mother she will see her baby again someday. I cannot stop that boy from pulling the trigger. I cannot heal 6 billion broken hearts.

But God can.

His love is big enough to heal the hurt in every heart. We should never stop striving to make this world a better place. I am not suggesting that we sit back and hope God will feed hungry people. But don't you think a satisfied heart will last much longer than a satisfied stomach? Maybe we should do what Jesus did and share God along with our bread and fish.

"Find rest, oh my soul, in God alone. my hope comes from him. Trust in him at all times, Oh people, pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. One thing God has spoken, two things have i heard: that you oh God are strong, and that you, Oh Lord, are loving." - Psalms 62.

Do you think that God is enough to heal 6 billion hearts? Do you think that you are enough?

Anthony

On Friday night, a dear friend of mine was murdered in the crossfire of a gang fight. He was only 18 years old. A world Champion kick boxer, coach, friend, and to me: a brother. We trained together for almost 4 years. He was family to me. His loss is devestating to all of us who knew and loved him. This is a note a put on facebook. There isn't much more i can say. I miss you Anthony.

I remember the two of us sitting on the curb outside the gym, waiting for our rides. We were both too young to drive. He was always singing. When i hear that song i remember when it was stuck in my head for days. His big dumb grin, so contagious, keeps playing in my head like a slideshow. Why did he have to go? Because someone never learned the value of a life? At 18, he was already on his way to great things. He was an athlete, a coach, and a World Champion Kick-Boxer. Is it all over now? Is he really gone forever? That bullet left an irreplaceable hole in our lives, but nobody can take away the  beautiful mark that Anthony left on our hearts. He is more than just a memory to me, to all of us he is still a son, a friend, and a brother. He will always be the inspiration, in our corner of the ring. We will always love him, always miss him, always remember him. Rest in Peace Anthony Fearn. 7.9.2011.