The Magical Third Strand

When I got married two and a half years ago, I had a lot of pre-conceived opinions. I knew marriage wasn’t going to be easy, but I was convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were going to make it. My confidence came from the belief that my fiancé and I had a special secret weapon against the trials of marriage: we had God. God was the third strand that would keep our marriage together, no matter what. I believed that my marriage was inherently stronger than those of non-believers. After all, God gave us superior insight and patience. God had gifted us with stronger and more powerful feelings of commitment. God had promised us that our cord of three strands would not be easily broken. I knew that my marriage was better than your marriage because God was supernaturally holding us together.

Imagine my surprise when I faced reality for the first time. We had been married for about 6 months. I was deep in post-patriarchy depression and I cried myself to sleep almost every night. My husband and I prayed together every day, but still I could see the toll my struggles were taking our marriage. I didn’t know how to feel better, and he didn’t know how to help me. I often thought of how much better off he would be without me. As I began facing my childhood for the first time, I developed a visceral reaction to anything that felt restrictive to me. I remember the exact moment when I first realized the magnitude of my “till death do us part” commitment.

I was sitting on my bed in our tiny apartment folding clothes. I started to think about the rest of my life. I was 19, and already the biggest decisions of my life were behind me. I would be folding these same socks and underwear every week for the rest. Of. My. Life.  I suddenly felt trapped, claustrophobic in my own life. I had committed to this marriage before God, and now I couldn’t leave. Ever. My chest constricted and my breath came faster. “I can’t do this.” I thought. “I can’t do this.”  

I imagined packing my things and leaving right then. My heart swelled with hope at the idea of being truly free for the first time in my life. Those thoughts terrified me, and in that moment I felt betrayed by God. “You promised that I wouldn’t have to feel this way!” I prayed through the tears. “You promised you would hold us together!” I felt cold and naked as I realized that there was no supernatural power keeping me here in this apartment with this man. There was no safety net protecting our marriage. There was nothing but our own desires, and I didn’t even know what I wanted.

What first felt like betrayal, turned out to be the most freeing realization of my married life. I examined my heart and gave myself permission to think about what I wanted. I gave myself permission to pursue the things that made me happy. I made a lot of changes in my life, like going back to school and moving to a new state. The biggest breakthrough of all was realizing that I wanted to be with my spouse. He makes me laugh, his personality compliments mine. He believes in me even when I don’t believe in myself. He does not “complete me,” but I cannot imagine my life without him. The life that I have is the life that I want.

The love we have for each other, and the commitment we made to each other is stronger and more profound than it has ever been. Many people question the strength and validity of our marriage because we are “unequally yoked” or too egalitarian. I used to do the same thing. The idea of stepping into a lifelong commitment is substantially less terrifying when you think you have a supernatural shield around you and your spouse. But how much more beautiful is a wedding where two flawed humans commit to one another, fully aware of the challenges they will face? How much more powerful is a marriage where two people stay together because they want to?

There is no magical third strand holding my marriage together, it’s just us. We promised each other that no matter what happens, we will never stop working on our marriage. We promised that no matter how our feelings change, we will never give up on our love. I mean it, and know that he does too. And that’s good enough for me.

Stop Telling Me What I Need

Women need to be protected.

Women long to be told they are beautiful by the men in their lives.

Women are gentle.

Women are born to nurture and support.

Women need to be led.

Women are easily swayed by their wayward emotions.

Women want a knight in shining armor.

Women want to be treated like princesses.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard these phrases (and others like them) coming from a man behind a pulpit. Back when I was still steeped in fundamentalist Christianity, these claims made me uncomfortable because even then I did not fit the mold. I was used to having other people tell me who I should be and what I should want, so I internalized these messages and tried to assimilate myself to this ideal of a woman. It never worked.

When I hear these types of sermons NOW, I am more than uncomfortable, I am angry. How many spirited young girls are sitting in this church, losing their identities while taking notes on how to be a “better” woman? How many innocent young boys are being programmed for misogyny because of the ignorant babbling of a pompous man?

When did the church become the authority on personalities and relationships? What makes them think they know what every woman wants and needs? What makes them think they can solve everyone’s marriage problems with the same list of rules and regulations? When are people going to realize that the church is NOT qualified to be giving out relationship advice? It’s great to incorporate your morality into your relationships, but faith does not replace experience.

For Example:

Professional Dating Advice: “Find somebody who “gets” you, someone who makes you happy. Don’t waste time on people who aren’t honest with you, or who don’t treat you respectfully.”

Church Dating Advice: Make a list of must-have criteria for a potential spouse. If you are a man, wait until you are ready to provide for a family, then seek out a woman who is chaste, modest, and godly.

Professional Relationship Advice: Take the time to learn about what your partner likes, wants, and needs. Every person is different, so don’t assume you know everything about your partner. Be open and honest about your own likes, wants, and needs as well. If your spouse seems upset, don’t assume you know what’s wrong, talk to him/her and make sure they know you are there for them. Good communication is key! If you want to have sex, be sure you know what your partner is comfortable with and talk about your expectations.

Church Relationship Advice: Men, be sure to always treat your girl like a fragile princess. Anticipate that she will always be more emotional and weak than you. Don’t bother her with discussion of sports or anything like that. Be sure to assert your manliness as much as possible. If she ever seems upset, it’s because she’s either hormonal or self conscious. This can be cured by telling her how pretty she is and giving her a box of chocolate. P.S. Avoid sexual contact at all cost, it will destroy your relationship.

Professional Marriage Advice: Be sure to talk through everything with your spouse. Talk about your expectations and feelings regularly. Marriage is a partnership, and you two are a team. You are both unique individuals, so only you can know what works best for you. If you ever feel like you can’t work through something on your own, there’s no shame in seeking a little help. Marriage counseling is good for even the healthiest couples because it facilitates better communication, which is key to a happy relationship!

Church Marriage Advice: God created you two to perfectly complement each other. Your marriage will be happiest and healthiest if you adhere to your god given rolls as men and women. If there is contention in your marriage, it is because one or the other of you is not obeying God’s directives for husbands and wives. If you feel like you are facing a challenge in your marriage that you cannot overcome, there is no shame in seeking a little help. Speak with your pastor or an elder at your church. They can pinpoint who is making what mistakes and help you get back on track towards fulfilling your marital rolls. Once you are, through the grace of God, doing everything required of you in your marriage: all else will follow!

The dating, relationship, and marriage advice I received from my church and parents did major damage to my relationships and eventual marriage. They made me think that there was some kind of heavenly blueprint that applied to every man. They made me think there was a list of does and don’ts that applied to every relationship. I was taught to “prepare” for marriage, but the problem is that there is no way to prepare for a relationship between two variables. There is no way to prepare for a future with a person you’ve never met.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that the church shouldn’t be handing out false expectations about relationships. They shouldn’t be going around telling boys what girls are like, and telling girls what boys are like. They shouldn’t be claiming to know why you’re struggling in your marriage. No two boys are the same, no two girls are the same, and no two relationships are the same. There is no cheat sheet. There is no heavenly blueprint. Nobody knows what you want or need except you. And believe it or not, nobody knows what I want and need except me (and my husband, because i tell him.)

So, Mr. Pastor Man behind the pulpit, you can keep your false expectations and stereotypes to yourself. The fact that I am a woman tells you literally nothing about me. Stop telling boys that all women are the same. And please stop telling me what I need.