This piece is from Yukimi. Many of us know her through blogger, she always leaves encouraging comments! Thank you so much for your brave words Yukimi!
I still remember when you looked at me with incredulity and perhaps a bit of remorse after I naively asked why you were spanking us everyday all the time. You said that wasn't true and I don't know if I said it out loud or just thought, because my memory of my childhood is pretty vague, that you had spanked us several times that day and the day before and the day before that and so on. You didn't beat us (except once when I was a teenager) but you made us completely scared of you. I still am.
My father, who you despise for the awful way he treated all of us, has apologized to me for it and for placing a big burden on me when I was little for being the eldest but I can't even bring anything negative about you without you getting all defensive and shutting the conversation telling me how much you sacrificed for me or how much worse my father is. I thought people did things for their kids because they loved them, not to use it as leverage with their children.
Now I'm an adult in most practical senses but I still drag all the baggage of our dysfunctional relationship. I have a depressingly low self-esteem, I have a compulsive need of being accepted (which usually makes people run for the hills), I cannot even entertain the idea of disappointing you (which ironically has driven me to a point of being about to academically fail university) and I don't know if I will be ever love you the same or be able to relate to you anymore which it's a pity because you and I are so alike in so many things.
If I have children, I don't want to spank them, I want to listen to them. Their motives might seem silly to adults but they are human beings and they have feelings and when you mock them they suffer. You have already told me that you don't want to baby-sit my kids ever, well at least for now I'll take you on that. Perhaps in the future I'll be stronger to tell you this in person and perhaps then you'll actually listen to me.
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