Monday, July 30, 2012

Still Crying: Power Over Memories

This post is from an anonymous reader. It is another testament to the sexual repercussions of corporal punishment.

I'm convinced my parents didn't know any better. When they grew up, they were beaten with rubber hoses. Hitting kids with hands or spoons or belts probably seemed kind by comparison.

I was always sensitive. All I needed was for my parents to tell me they were disappointed in me. I didn't need to be hit on top of it. Worse than the pain was the sheer humiliation of being hit, and the feeling of being powerless to stop it.

This is most likely why, around age 8 or so, I began having sexual fantasies involving being spanked. My adult sexuality has revolved around giving and taking power. I believe sexualizing it was a way for me to gain control-- "You're hurting me? Humiliating me? Joke's on you; I like it!"

My mom found out when I was in my early 20s. When she asked why, I told her. "We didn't spank you *that* much," she protested tearfully. "Why do you remember all the bad things and none of the good?"

In college (before I became aware that spanking wasn't an inherent part of childhood) I decided I could never have kids, because spanking to me was an purely sexual act. I never did have kids, although the reasons were numerous and not limited to my fear of sexually abusing them. That was not an idle fear, though, and I didn't want to have to choose between my sexuality and harming my children.

Would I have been this way if I hadn't been spanked? I don't know. It is what it is, and while I enjoy a happy sex life this way, it wasn't worth the abuse.

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  1. "We didn't spank you *that* much," she protested tearfully.

    In the nature of it, the amount of spanking is always going to seem a lot more to the child being spanked than to the adult doing it. Sort of like the person you keep waiting thinks it was a lot longer than you do. Only very much worse, of course.

  2. My mom read me a quote on Facebook the other day. It said that humans are like photographs: we develop from the negatives. That's the answer to her similar question to me, although I didn't point it out. It's so true. Trauma leaves a much stronger impression than happiness.

  3. "We didn't spank you THAT much."

    It only takes one spanking to leave trauma or sexual abuse scars.