Still Crying: Why Spanking is Harmful

This post is by a reader called Conundrum #5. Thank you Conundrum!

___________________________________________________________________

I would like to think I wasn't beaten for every infraction, but it is difficult for me to be sure in the aftermath of having a leather belt angrily applied to my bare bottom on a regular basis until I was 16 years old. The irony is being liked and approved of has always been my deepest desire. It would have been enough for my mother to have told me she was disappointed in me for me to see the error of my ways.

Because of my sensitivity, whippings left deep emotional scars. I learned to walk on eggshells around Mom. I learned not to act or think independently, because if my opinions or actions were displeasing to my mother, I could be whipped, no matter what my intentions may have been. As an adult, this hampered my ability to take initiative until very recently. I still struggle, but understanding where my struggle comes from has allowed me to get a handle on it.

The effect that most grieves me is that as an adult, my go-to response to a child misbehaving is the thought that they need a “good whipping” to teach them how to behave. In spite of what non-spanking parents (some of whom I know personally) have written about their kids, I am not convinced children can learn to behave without being spanked...which is why I am very glad I do not have children. I have tried to temper my “spanking habit” by saying I would only spank as long as the child was in the single digits, or by saying I would never spank while angry, but I don't trust myself. My not being a parent is a much safer solution.

(Please show your support and leave comments for the authors if you can. Remember, this is an open ended series! Please consider writing something yourself, or sharing the project with your friends and followers. The guidelines are listed here, but feel free to write in whatever format is easiest for you.)

Still Crying: Dear Mom

This piece is from Yukimi. Many of us know her through blogger, she always leaves encouraging comments! Thank you so much for your brave words Yukimi!
___________________________________________________________________

Mom,

I still remember when you looked at me with incredulity and perhaps a bit of remorse after I naively asked why you were spanking us everyday all the time. You said that wasn't true and I don't know if I said it out loud or just thought, because my memory of my childhood is pretty vague, that you had spanked us several times that day and the day before and the day before that and so on. You didn't beat us (except once when I was a teenager) but you made us completely scared of you. I still am.

My father, who you despise for the awful way he treated all of us, has apologized to me for it and for placing a big burden on me when I was little for being the eldest but I can't even bring anything negative about you without you getting all defensive and shutting the conversation telling me how much you sacrificed for me or how much worse my father is. I thought people did things for their kids because they loved them, not to use it as leverage with their children.

Now I'm an adult in most practical senses but I still drag all the baggage of our dysfunctional relationship. I have a depressingly low self-esteem, I have a compulsive need of being accepted (which usually makes people run for the hills), I cannot even entertain the idea of disappointing you (which ironically has driven me to a point of being about to academically fail university) and I don't know if I will be ever love you the same or be able to relate to you anymore which it's a pity because you and I are so alike in so many things.

If I have children, I don't want to spank them, I want to listen to them. Their motives might seem silly to adults but they are human beings and they have feelings and when you mock them they suffer. You have already told me that you don't want to baby-sit my kids ever, well at least for now I'll take you on that. Perhaps in the future I'll be stronger to tell you this in person and perhaps then you'll actually listen to me.

Yukimi

(Please show your support and leave comments for the authors if you can. Remember, this is an open ended series! Please consider writing something yourself, or sharing the project with your friends and followers. The guidelines are listed here, but feel free to write in whatever format is easiest for you.)

Still Crying: GIRL

This piece is from a reader named Ona Courtright. This one moved me to tears. Thank you Ona.
_______________________________________________________________________

Pants up
Pants down
Underpants on
No underpants at all
Wooden spoon
Leather flyswatter
Hand
Switch
Belt
Angry
Deliberate
While yelling
While silent
In public
In private
With explanation
No explaining at all

Two swats
Four swats
Six swats
Eight, or more

These are the ways you broke my heart
Stunted my spirit
Bruised my body
Because (in the name of Jesus) and for my own good, it hurt you more than me?

I doubt your pain continues,
28 years past,
since the time I took the switch and
hit you back,
knock-down, drag-out
black eye, thirteen
my first rebellion.

Begged the teacher not to call the cops
because you're my mother
and I loved you,
I protected you.
Can you say the same for me?

My sister, 16, caught
out after curfew
panicked and begging
don't let him take me home
they almost didn't

Almost.

It woke me up, 1 AM
her screaming, sobbing.
That was the last time
(in the name of Jesus)
it hurt you more than her.

She has her period now, you tell him
It's time to try new things.
Too late.
Her next six boyfriends
(or was it eight?)
and her husband
will all hurt themselves
more than her
for her own good.
Some in the name of Jesus
Some in the name of Allah
most just because they can.

I doubt you feel rage still,
I doubt you struggle
in your parenting,
in your relationships
to know the difference between
discipline and love and abuse

I doubt you still wrestle
with voices in your head
listing your offenses:
rebellious
stubborn
obstinent
disobedient
headstrong
proud
backtalking
disrespectful
GIRL

(Please show your support and leave comments for the authors if you can. Remember, this is an open ended series! Please consider writing something yourself, or sharing the project with your friends and followers. The guidelines are listed here, but feel free to write in whatever format is easiest for you.)

Still Crying: Anne's Experience

This piece is from Anne Moser of QuickSilverQueen. Thank you Anne for your bravery.

_______________________________________________________________________

Shame. Everybody knows where you're going and what you're going to get when you follow Mom or Dad into their bedroom.

Humiliation. Bending over in front of one (or both) of the people you should be able to trust, waiting for the first blow to fall.

Defenseless. Sometimes they make you pull down your pants and expose your bare buttocks.

Rage. Unjust spankings. Watching Dad spank the 12-24 month old because she wouldn't eat something she didn't like...and then because she was screaming from the spanking.

You take whatever they give you. If you don't cry, you get more whacks. If you scream, you get more whacks. You can't win.

No child should have to go through that.

As a child, spankings were a part of everyday life. We didn't know anything different. We didn't like it, and tried to go a whole day without a spanking, but it never worked. We were never good enough. I'm pretty sure that's not what my parents were trying to convey, but regardless, it's the message I picked up. We didn't try to disobey the rules, there were just so many. Most of the time, we were figuring out ways to get around the rules...and got spanked for that, too.

It got worse once I hit puberty. Fortunately, shortly after puberty, they didn't continue making me pull down my pants, but it became more humiliating. My parents were very black and white in the discipline department: anything you did wrong merited a spanking. If you tried to correct something Mom said and she thought you were talking back, spanking. If Dad couldn't figure out who did something, he lined us all up for a spanking. This happened a handful of times. One time that stands out in particular was the time my dad kept spanking us until my soft-hearted brother "confessed" so the rest of us would stop getting spanked. (Later on, Dad found out he was the culprit, but didn't apologize and just said that we had probably deserved the spanking for something he didn't know about.)

I don't know why they started spanking in the first place. I remember my thoughts and feelings as a child; the one thing I wanted most was to make my dad happy and proud of me. He didn't need to spank me, he just had to show me affection and understanding and I would have stopped trying to get around the rules. I would have felt good enough. I would have moved heaven and earth for him.

For us, spankings continued well past puberty, throughout the teen years, and into our twenties. I didn't know it was abuse. I just knew I hated it, and it was especially unnecessary the older I got -- most of those spankings had to do with something I'd forgotten to do, like I'd said "Just a second" after Mom told me to go do something, forgetting to ask if I could finish whatever I was doing before obeying. Just the most inane, little things.

Now, I'm an anti-spanking, child-rights activist. Spanking is abuse. If you wouldn't hit/spank your husband, wife, or best friend, you shouldn't hit/spank your child.

(Please show your support and leave comments for the authors if you can. Remember, this is an open ended series! Please consider writing something yourself, or sharing the project with your friends and followers. The guidelines are listed here, but feel free to write in whatever format is easiest for you.)

Still Crying: Spank Them

This peice is from an anonymous author.

______________________________________________________________________

If you want your children to behave only when you're around, spank them.

If you want your children to see your anger as something to be afraid of, spank them.

If you want your children to sneak behind your back and keep things to themselves to avoid your anger, spank them.

If you want your children to hurt and berate themselves when they feel like they've let themselves down, spank them.

If you want your children to be fed lies like "this hurts me more than it hurts you", spank them.

If you want your children to think that your love is conditional and that making mistakes mean you don't love them, spank them.

If you want your children to physically fight with each other, spank them.

If you want your children to feel justified when your spouse abuses you, spank them.

If you want your children to move far from you the first chance they get, spank them.

If you want your children to resent you and authority, spank them.

If you want your children to be introverted and afraid to let themselves show, spank them.

If you want your children to learn how to draw themselves into dead, emotionless state when criticized because "crying just makes it worse", spank them.

"Spare the rod, spoil the child," they say.

"Use the rod, spoil your relationship with your child," is the reality.

I love my mother and appreciate what she gave us as a single mother who managed to get her two daughters to graduate from university.  But I can't help wondering how much better I'd love her and how much better we'd have turned out if she had never spanked us.

Don't make your children feel the same way about you.

(Please show your support and leave comments for the authors if you can. Remember, this is an open ended series! Please consider writing something yourself, or sharing the project with your friends and followers. The guidelines are listed here, but feel free to write in whatever format is easiest for you.)

Still Crying: The Plan

Good Morning!
Today is the first day of publishing for the "Still Crying" project. I will be posting a new submission every other week day for the next month or so. I decided to leave one day between each post so that each entry would receive the attention it deserves. I will also be posting a list of pertinent links towards the end of the series.


As we all know, the subject of corporal punishment is painful and often triggering. The authors of these submissions have shown incredible strength and bravery by coming forward with their stories. Please show your support and leave comments for the authors if you can.


When I was on my way out of fundamentalism, it was stories like these that helped me realize I wasn't crazy. It was brave bloggers and supportive commenters that helped me come to terms with the abuse I experienced as a child. My hope is that this series will reach others like me, as well as any parent considering the use of corporal punishment. If we can help even one broken spirit to heal, or prevent even one child from being hit, this will be more than worth it.


So please join me in welcoming Anne, Dara, Melissa, Lisa,Yukimi, Ona, Brooke, Chelsea, Elizabeth, Conundrum, and the many anonymous authors who are a part of this project. Remember, this is an open ended series! Please consider writing something yourself, or sharing the project with your friends and followers. The guidelines are listed here, but feel free to write in whatever format is easiest for you.

Still Crying: Update

The response I have received for this project has been incredible. Emails, Facebook messages, comments and shares, and even quite a few blog references. Its wonderful to see how important this is to so many people. Submissions are now well into the double digits. Some are poetic, some are informational, ALL are absolutely courageous.

 This week is the Fourth of July, as well as my 2-year wedding anniversary. I’m sure everyone will be cooking out, swimming, or watching fireworks (unless you’re not in the U.S!) Because of this, I have decided to postpone the publishing of my series for one more week. I want each and every one of these stories to receive the attention and feedback that they deserve!  

But the good news is that if you haven’t written a submission for the project yet, you have a whole extra week to get it done!!

Everyone have a relaxing and wonderful holiday! Be sure to check back here on July 9^th for first installment of “Still Crying: the pain of corporal punishment doesn’t end when the spanking is over”