Talking About It

Talking about it is hard.

Whenever you make new friends there inevitably comes that moment where you have to tell them.

Maybe not right away, maybe its like a few months in.

But eventually you have to say yeah… my childhood wasn’t actually perfect.

“they were really religious… they homeschooled me k-12.” But you seem so normal!

“yeah I have 10 siblings.. no we’re not catholic…” I could never do that! Your mum must be a saint!

“no I will never have that many kids. No I don’t plan to homeschool. No it wasn’t a good experience.”

You sit there feeling like a freak show. Everybody’s gawking because they’ve never even heard of such things. Surely you must be exaggerating?! But in reality you’re dumbing it down, polishing the edges.

And in the back of your mind is the old family mantra hissing “You are so selfish. Telling tales for attention. People are going to think bad things about the family! Where is your loyalty?!”

They all shake their heads in wonderment. Courtship? Isn’t that another word for dating? You are monopolizing the conversation now. But they won’t let you stop. They have so many questions. You’re like a space alien telling stories about your exotic and barbaric planet.

You mentally sweep the years of violence and neglect and manipulation into a neat little dustpan and name it: “It wasn’t really a healthy environment.” And people infer what they want, and you move on. And eventually someone changes the subject and you sit there feeling embarrassed.

You wonder if your cheeks have turned red. Did you say too much? “You always say too much!” You smile and engage in the rest of the conversation. And then you go home and aggressively wash the dishes, fighting back your rising anxiety.

Eventually you find yourself in bed with a pillow over your face.

Trying to slow your breathing. Trying to fall asleep.

Its been ages. It should be so hard to talk about.

Longing

I am intimately familiar with the feeling called longing

Intense, sharp, caustic need

the kind that chews a hole inside your chest

like a shot of novocain, a burn and a sting

I only ever longed for freedom

burning my hands over a steaming pot

the future stretching out before me

strangled by the sameness and monotony

longing like bile in my throat

gagging, choking, my stomach in knots

fight or flight, but i could do neither

twelve years old and living in my own coffin

need is dangerous

if you acknowledge it, it demands to be satisfied

and when you can’t deliver

longing will tear.you.apart.

with sharp, curved claws

longing tore it’s way through my lungs

i stopped breathing for 6 years

those talons tore divots in my baby skin

I chased after freedom even as my lips were turning blue

flat on my belly, crawling with my fingernails

this longing is brutal

it will kill you before it will be ignored

every year i long for Fall

every fall i’d turn one year closer to freedom

it was fall when I broke away and started running

fall is a clean cold slate against fevered skin

the longing for freedom is part of being human

it’s right beneath your skin

a hungry monster you will never escape

I’d advise you to embrace it before it eats you alive

(originally published on my Tumblr)

My Journey: An Update

I have been neglecting my blog.

But I promise, the reasons are mostly good. I have been getting better. So much better. The suffocating blanket of uncertainty has almost completely disappeared. So many of my fears have been replaced with confidence and peace. I don’t feel so raw all the time anymore. I don’t always feel the need to pour my emotions out on “paper” to get them out of my system. I think I know who I am now. As an individual. And most days that means I feel peaceful, and happy.

None of things happened over night. And I’m sure I’ll change and have new questions all over again. But for once, I am not afraid of the future, because I finally trust myself to navigate it with authenticity. If I change, I change, and that’s okay. Because human beings are fluid. We are meant to change and grow, and rejecting that fact is unhealthy. P/QF folks will tell you that there’s a solid, biblical answer for every question, and if you don’t get it you need to try harder. But that kind of mindset removes us from our consciences, and from the opportunity to change and grow, which is what makes us human to begin with.

Letting go of belief in “right answers” is scary.
Letting go of the walls that you were always told would protect you is terrifying.
Letting go of the personality pajamas your parents swaddled you in at birth leaves you feeling naked and without identity.
Waking up in your twenties with no sense of self seems unbearable.

But I let go. And I started from scratch. And I trusted my conscience, and as cheesy as it sounds, I trusted my heart. It’s been over 2 years now, of slowly putting myself together, piece by piece. This is not the end of my journey. But I am happy to say that I know who I am today. I know what I want today. And that is more than enough for me.

I would love to talk more about my journey. I know how helpful it was to hear stories like mine when I was first beginning my journey. The tips and tricks and encouragements of others were invaluable to me. Please feel free to email me, or leave a comment about what you need to hear about. What will help you on your journey? If I get any responses I will write on those subjects.

Self

I am a member of the family
I am a member of the housework crew
I am my parent’s possession
I am their trophy
I am a representative for Christ
I am a future mother in a future family preparing to serve a future husband

I am not an individual.

Feelings are superfluous, needs are selfishness, I do not know the vocabulary of self.

I am depressed overly dramatic
I am hungry gluttonous
I am tired and overworked lazy
I am sick weak
I have anxiety lack faith
I need affirmation whine too much
I need privacy am selfish
I need to be respected punished

I do not deserve to have needs.

So I take tweezers and tear a blade out of my father’s razor. And I keep the razor in a tiny jewelry box that my grandma gave me, under the cotton, because nobody can see it, because using it is selfish, and I am ashamed. But nothing compares to the relief of sliding the blade across the soft parts of my thighs, my calves, my ankles, my wrists.

Simultaneously punishing myself and expressing my hurt.

People deserve love
people deserve support
people deserve respect
But I don’t know these things

 Because I am not an individual
I am not a person
I do not know the vocabulary of self.



(I wrote this post as an entry for the Homeschoolers Anonymous blog. You can see the Original Post here)

Anxiety

For me Anxiety comes in spurts. I'll be fine for a year and suddenly have the worst month of my life. I found this post here on Tumblr describing and explaining anxiety. It's perfect and amazing and sooo accurate. I just had to share it with all of you.

things we (people with anxiety) are trying to do all the time:

• 1. be safe

things we can’t help but do all the time:

• 1. second-guess ourselves
• 2. behave impulsively and reactively
• 3. take everything personally
• 4. worry
• 5. worry
• 6. worry
• 7. have difficulty accepting compliments
• 8. have difficulty reciprocating friendly gestures
• 9. have difficulty finding the courage to respond
• 10.  have difficulty not being suspicious of others’ intentions
• 11.  make a huge deal out of the smallest thing

things you should keep in mind:

• 1. we’re scared of everything
• 2. pretty much all of the time
• 3. it’s an actual disorder
• 4. it manifests as impulsive behavior
• 5. you can’t fix us with words
• 6. telling us “worrying is silly” won’t make us stop worrying
• 7. it’ll only make us feel silly
• 8. and then we’ll worry even more
• 9. “oh god, am i worrying too much? what if she calls me silly again?”
• 10.  like that
• 11.  also, we wear a lot of armor
• 12.  cold, heavy, affection-proof armor with spikes
• 13.  we constructed this armor as children
• 14.  we’re fairly certain you will never be able to pry it apart
• 15.  but there is a nice person under there, we promise

things you can do for a friend with an anxiety disorder:

• 1. stick around
• 2. ask him/her if they’re comfortable in a place or situation
• 3. be willing to change the place or situation if not
• 4. activities that help them take their mind off of things are good!
• 5. talk to them even when they might not talk back
• 6. (they’re probably too afraid to say the wrong thing)
• 7. try not to take they’re reactions (or lack thereof) personally
• 8. (the way they expresses themselves are distorted and bent because of their constant fear)
• 9. (and they knows this)
• 10.  give her time to respond to you
• 11.  they will obsess over how she is being interpreted
• 12.  they will anticipate being judged
• 13.  it took me four hours just to type this much
• 14.  even though i sound casual
• 15.  that’s because i have an anxiety disorder

things you shouldn’t do:

• 1. tell us not to worry
• 2. tell us we’ll be fine
• 3. mistake praise for comfort
• 4. ask us if we are “getting help”
• 5. force us to be social
• 6. force us to do things that trigger us
• 7. “face your fears” doesn’t always work
• 8. because—remember—scared of everything
• 9. in fact, it would be more accurate to say we are scared of the fear itself

emergency action procedure for panic attacks:

• 1. be calm
• 2. be patient
• 3. don’t be condescending
• 4. remind us that we’re not crazy
• 5. sit with us
• 6. ask us to tighten and relax our muscles one by one
• 7. remind us that we are breathing
• 8. engage us in a discussion (if we can talk, then we can breathe)
• 9. if we are having trouble breathing, try getting us to exhale slowly
• 10.  or breathe through our nose
• 11.  or have us put our hands on our stomach to feel each breath
• 12.  ask us what needs to change in our environment in order for us to feel safe
• 13.  help us change it
• 14.  usually, just knowing that we have someone on our side willing to fight our scary monsters with us is enough to calm us down

if you have an anxiety disorder:

• 1. it’s okay.
• 2. even if you worry that it’s not okay.
• 3. it’s still okay. it’s okay to be scared. it’s okay to be scared of being scared.
• 4. you are not crazy. you are not a freak.
• 5. i know there’s a person under all that armor.
• 6. and i know you feel isolated because of it.
• 7. i won’t make you take it off.
• 8. but know that you are not alone.

Seriously, if you know sombody with anxiety, follow these guidlines. If you have anxiety "I know there's a person under all that armor... I won't make you take it off, but know that you are not alone."