Saturday, March 10, 2012

Heartsick

I have spent the majority of this week feeling heartsick. My days are interrupted every hour or so by a sudden pang of sorrow. My stomach drops and my chest constrict, and I swallow hard to keep back tears. Earlier this week, a very dear friend of mine shut me out of her life forever. Even now I can’t believe that she meant the things she said… Our friendship hasn’t always been perfect, but I always thought of her a sister. You fight with your sisters sure, but you laugh with them more. It doesn’t matter what paths your lives take, you will always be connected by that unbreakable childhood bond. I guess I was wrong.

I met her when I was 11 years old. We didn’t go to church before that because Dad couldn’t find one that was “Christian” enough. We met a pastor and his family at a home school convention and they invited us to their church. The first day there I was felt so awkward and alone, and then I met her, and we hit it off immediately. She was my first friend really, outside of family.

It wasn’t long before we started begging our parents to let us spend more time together. We wrote stories and made home movies, and played piano together, and mostly we talked, about everything from theology to mythology. We had sleepovers all the time and would stay up till 3am jabbering on and on.
She was the only person who noticed when I started cutting myself. I remember she cried, and begged me not to hurt myself.

 As we got older, I spent a hundred free weekends at her house. We took the dogs out on ridiculously long walks in the country. When I was dealing with depression, she was dealing with a panic disorder. I didn’t judge her and she didn’t judge me, we supported each other no matter what. We were sisters. More than once I fiercely defended her to people who dismissed her as “the holier-than-thou pastor’s daughter.” They didn’t know her like I did. She was sweet and sensitive and misunderstood.

She was third bride’s maid in my wedding, right after my two sisters. And when I lived 900 miles away, I drove all the way home to be there for her bachelorette party. I was the only one there who knew the right size to get. Of course I knew, we had borrowed each other’s pajamas a million times. A few days before her wedding we sat and talked about how fast this day had come. Wasn’t it just yesterday we were 12 years old; fishing with her grandpa and joking about our someday weddings? We walked to the park that night while comparing wedding rings. We talked about having babies, and I promised that my kids would call her “Auntie,” she said hers would do the same.

It wasn’t until I started to question my faith that I saw a change in our relationship. She became a bit distant, almost suspicious. We had periods where she wouldn’t even speak to me because she was offended by a link I’d posted on my Facebook. I wised up pretty quick and stopped posting links to things that didn’t accurately represent my thoughts. After one too many uncomfortable Facebook chats, I called her one day to sort it all out. We talked for a good hour and I explained how I just wasn’t sure of things anymore. “I still believe there is probably a God” I told her, “but I don’t really know for sure, I just need time to heal.”

When she told me she was pregnant, I was overjoyed. We went to dinner and she had twice as much food as I did. I remember smiling and thinking that someday I would tell the baby how mommy forgot her wallet and Aunt Sarah bought enough food to feed Mamma and Baby.

The last time we really talked was in January sometime, and then my life got really busy: school, tax season at work, marathon training, I kind of lost track of her. Last week I heard that she had finally publisher her first novel. I had read a dozen rough drafts of that book and I was VERY excited to see it in print. I bought it on my kindle, and half way through I decided to go write a quick note on her Facebook wall about it. And that’s when I noticed that she and her husband had un-friended me. Confused, I texted her to ask what was up, and the answer I received made me instantly sick to my stomach.

“You become like the people you hang out with. I don’t want to become bitter and anti-Christian like you”

There was more. Much more. She told me she couldn’t have me in her life anymore because I disrespect the things she believes in. Her husband texted me as well, ordering me to cease contact with his wife. What did I do? “I will still look back fondly on the memories of our friendship,” she said. Fond memories? Is that really all that’s left? I thought we were sisters. She could have converted to Hinduism and moved to India and I still would have loved and respected her. I would have gotten up in the middle of the night so I could call her in her time zone.

I am miserable, and I’m trying to find a way to blame myself. But what did I really do wrong? What could I do to make everything okay? Should I apologize for questioning the existence of God? Should I swallow the pain I feel when I walk into church? Do I have to pretend to be someone I’m not in order to keep the people I love in my life? The questions I ask myself are painful enough without the reproach I get for asking them.

She gave birth to a daughter this week; A little baby girl that I will never meet. She will never call me “Aunty” and I will never get to tell her stories of how adventurous and silly her mommy always was. My heart breaks a little more every day. How many more friends will I lose on this journey?

(Because this post received so much traffic, there are a few things I would like to clear up for my readers. I did not write this post out of spite, anger, or impulse. After a year of distant disapproval, my friend and her husband purposefully removed me from their lives. The words they used were clear, forceful, and very familiar. My relationship with my friend had been falling apart piece by piece for almost a year. Since the very first day I started struggling with my faith I noticed a distinct and negative change in our relationship. If there had been a way to salvage our relationship I WOULD HAVE DONE IT. But I was told in no uncertain terms that she was through with me. If I somehow misinterpreted all of this, I wish she would tell me. I have tried to reach out to her many times since this post was published. All I have received in return is anger, and some of the most hurtful language I have ever experienced. I wrote this post with a broken heart. I was certain my friend would never be contacting my again, much less reading my anonymous blog. I am emotionally exhausted from this entire experience, maybe I shouldn’t have tried so hard to get her back when she started shutting me out. Maybe if i had just let her drift away like she wanted, then all of this wouldn't hurt so bad.....)

40 comments:

  1. This makes me so sad. You did nothing wrong. I want to say that she was never really your friend in the first place, but that's probably not true - it's just that her indoctrination stuck more. She is brainwashed, as were you, but unlike you she cannot see past the brainwashing. If you have the energy, keep in touch with her - maybe just a birthday card every year (and one for her daughter). One day she may break free, even a tiny bit, from the cult and need a friend who understands.

    I read other blogs like yours because I am fascinated by a lifestyle I had never heard about until a few years ago. The one thing that comes up over and over again is that the people living in it appear to be completely terrified by anything that may cause them to question their beliefs. You scare her because you questioned your beliefs which means they might not be true for her either. If you keep the lines of communication open, even if they are only one way, you may end up being her escape one day (or maybe her daughter's).

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  2. This is so heart wrenching even knowing what I was about to read before I read it. I will never abandon you. I love you so much.

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  3. It's a hard road. I too lost my best friend that I thought I would have forever. It's been a year now and the hurt has lessened but it's still there at times. She just suddenly and without warning cut me off. So I know exactly how you feel. Hit me up on Facebook if you want, you know where I am.

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  4. I am so very sorry. How unimaginably hurtful. I hope that she has a change of heart and apologies for her words and actions. You have nothing to apologize for at all. I pray you find the healing you need.

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  5. Commentors: Just so you know, the girl this post was about called me about an hour ago in tears, as she is recovering from an emergency c section and 36 hour labor that almost took her life. She just came home from the hospital today. In fact, the whole conversation that was so hurtful to Enigma went down while this friend was in her 3 day labor, so you may wish to cut her some slack before you judge her and suggest that she and her baby get "saved" from a "cult." If you knew this girl, you'd know that she's a mainstream Christian with normal friendships and relationships and a normal, healthy marriage. She is fully capable of raising a healthy, successful daughter just the way she is. She is a real person who has been publicly hurt and humiliated by this post and subsequent commnts. Watch what you say. And Enigma, I'm very sorry for your hurt, but be aware: you're not the only person who has been on a difficult journey and is struggling with pain. Your friend's been through quite a bit in the past couple of months with her health and family, and I know you are fully aware of that. Maybe you weren't fully aware that she'd read this post. I'm very sorry that she did.

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    1. Maria,
      The timing of that last conversation with my friend was very unfortunate. I had no idea she had gone into labor untill after she and her husband texted me back. Nothing is more painful for me than the fact that i am unable to be there for her during this difficult time.
      also, i never made any comment in my post about my friend's faith or her ability to raise healthy successful children. I do not censor any comments, and i didnt expect my friend to read this, i am very sorry that she was hurt by what she read. I do not beleive that my friend is brainwashed or "in a cult," I love her and respect her. She is a wonderful woman and her daughter and husband are very blessed to have her! my post was in no way meant to humiliate her, it was just a sincere expression of my feelings. Having been once so close, it is beyond hard for me understand why she would chose to shut me out of her life because of my struggles with faith.
      This whole expirience has left me shaken, broken, and afraid that i will loose more friends over things that are completely out of my control.

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    2. Enigma, I am so sorry to see you both hurting so deeply. I just wanted to make sure commentors were sensitive to the fact that there is a real person out there reading their harsh words and hurting.

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    3. It doesn't matter what the friend is going through, Enigma was pretty vague about who it was etc, almost anyone who reads her blog would have no idea unless they know her personally. None of what her friend is going through excuses what her friend did. NOTHING. You just don't cut off long time friends over differences in beliefs.

      And, did the friend find this and read it herself or did someone like you, Maria, see it and decided to "share" it with her because you were "concerned"?

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    4. "None of what her friend is going through excuses what her friend did. NOTHING. You just don't cut off long time friends over differences in beliefs."

      A. I think a near death experience justifies stressed out reactions. Arguments between friends often happen during stressful times. I could give you a laundry list of stressors in her friends life right now besides her difficult labor and delivery. It appears to me that the friend was the one in need of support, not confrontation about her beliefs.
      B. Engima's friend did NOT cut off her longtime friend over differences in belief. This is Enimga's perception. There are many other factors at foot that have NOTHING to do with faith, politics, etc. You don't know either girl. I know them both.

      I most certainly did NOT point this post out to Enigma's friend. I would never wish to hinder her recovery from her C section or her enjoyment of her newborn or cause further tension between the friends. Enigma's friend reads this blog regularly. The fact that she saw this post, which is a conversation that belongs in a diary or over a cup of coffee with a close friend, not on a public blog, is a tragedy. She was the one who called me sobbing because Enigma perceived that their friendship was over and people were suggesting she was part of a cult and that she and her baby needed to be "saved." I'm just so sorry for both girls. I also think the friendship is far from over. This all happened just this week. Time heals a lot.

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    5. Maria, you do not actually understand what has been going on between my friend and i over the last few months. We have had many confrontations in which she has repeatedly expressed her discomfort with my changing beliefs. It has been months of me trying to keep things together. If you had seen the conversations that day, and the subsequent conversations afterwards you would understand that there was NO WAY for me to misconstrue what i was told. My friend repeatedly told me in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that she no longer wanted me in her life. I would never have assumed things were over for good without being told so by my friend herself many times over.
      You keep refering to my blog post as a tragedy, i dont understand why. All i said is that i love her and i am sad for the way she ended things. I understand that some of the comments would be hard to read, but that doesnt change my post. This blog IS my diary, and i had no idea that my friend read it.

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    6. Enigma has every right to talk about how she is hurting in whatever way she needs to. It is totally wrong of you, Maria, to come in here and triangulate (which is dysfunctional) this situation. This is not your battle or your business.

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  6. enigma, you are either very young, or pretty narcissistic. your friend 'cut you off' because she was hurt by you and the choices that you have made, and because she could not bear to be hurt further, not because she was trying to hurt you. everything is not always about you.

    you may believe that the choices that you have made are right for you. however, to the extent that your choices have hurt her, she is right to make whatever choices she needs to make to protect herself from further hurt. again, everything is not always about you. respect your friend enough to let her be free to make her own choices, as she has let you make yours.

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    1. That is an interesting perspective Anon. I realize that she wasnt intentionally trying to HURT me. I guess i just dont understand how my "choices" and struggles have hurt her. All i have done is express confusion about the exsistance of God. I dont know how that could hurt another person.

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    2. And a change in Enigma's religious beliefs have the power to hurt her friend...uh...how, exactly?

      And, if Enigma's account is true, and there is not really any reason to believe it's not, the text message her friend sent her back was just wrong, and actually does prove it's about her.

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    3. And you know this how, Anonymous?

      Somebody who breaks contact with a friend has no right to expect the friend to censor her self-expression on her own blog.

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    4. Narcissistic, huh? Like thinking you are so important you have a right to dictate someone else's emotions? Like you, anonymous?

      Oh, what's the use. An Orthodox minister I read said that words are the the shell of the nut; and if the person doesn't have the perception to taste the meat within, your words are just empty shells. So true.

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  7. Its unfortunate if your friend read this and had an emotional response to it, perhaps that just means she's being convicted of her actions and how reprehensible and anti-christian they are, the very thing she hoped to avoid becoming supposedly by association with you. To anon I think its more than a little absurd to say that enigma's actions could ever hurt her friend. I share the same religious beliefs as her friend and I still count enigma as my very best friend. Nothing she could struggle with would ever make me love her less.

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  8. I have had two extremely close friends completely disassociate from me when I left my family's home. one just had a baby yesterday. I used to live across the country from her: I now am just 8 hours away. but I know I'm not welcome.

    it's a sad, lonely, betrayed-type of hurt that abandonment causes. i'm sorry you're experiencing it.

    my best wishes and hopes for a continued recovery for your ex-best friend (what I call mine) after her birth.

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    1. "it's a sad, lonely, betrayed-type of hurt that abandonment causes."

      so true. :/ after all the hurt and frustration, i only want the best for her. I'm not even mad, just really sad. :P Its good to hear that im not alone.

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  9. i'm so sorry and this is awful!! :( your "friend" shouldn't treat you this way because you have "different" religious beliefs. that's not fair. this makes me so sad and angry for you!! you deserve to be heard acknowledged and treated fairly. you asked if you should apologize for your questioning the existence of God. NO! you have the right to your questions and no one has the right to make you believe or think anything you don't want to. i'm so sorry your heart got trampled on.

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  10. I just read through the comments here, Sarah, and I want to say that you responded to your detractors with maturity beyond your years. I know from personal experience that that kind of thing isn't easy.

    The most frustrating thing in the world is friends who are made uncomfortable by our own questions - not questions of them, but internal questions about everything we once believed. Questions are never wrong, but they do make some people very uncomfortable, and I think that' is a horrible shame. Questions should be encouraged, not feared.

    Best wishes to you on your journey, as always!

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    1. Thanks Libby :) I have gotten more anonymous comments on this post than any before. I cant decide if I’m really a terrible person or if it's just someone i know. All i can do is respond from my heart.
      It doesn’t make sense to me that other people would be so personally offended by my internal questions. Sometimes I feel like i spend more time dealing with everyone else’s pity, fear, and anger than i spend dealing with my own thoughts.
      Thanks for the encouragement :)

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    2. Questioning make people scared when they have pat answers and one liners to support their faith. Asking questions about faith that others don't want to face forces people to look at their questions or leave the friendship. I am so sorry that you have lost support just when you need it. I understand. I've been speaking out about my doubts and fears, and have lost two friends who said they were my family. The pain on top of pain is horrible.

      Others will always have their own pains to deal with, but that never excuses cutting off a friend for struggling with faith. I'm very sorry that you have to go through this.

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  11. When I converted to another (Christian) faith tradition, my best friend freaked out. (This was a lateral move that I made alone, without my husband) She told me we were no longer 'like minded' and that I was 'destroying my family' and it would 'never be the same'. I was...crushed. Several months later, she decided she missed her friend and she would rather have that back than to 'be right'. I was GRATEFUl, so grateful for the blessing, it was unexpected. I had resigned myself to accepting and respecting her decision, although I did respond and take issue w/ her assumptions. I do truly believe that a *for real* friend would never jump ship over something like this. As much as it hurts, that may be the case. But give it some time. It also sounds as if the husband could be the impetus. So sorry!!

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    1. Thats awesome that you got your friend back! I hope that happens for me some day. In the mean time i am resigned to just leave it alone. She has her life and i would never presume to tell her how to live it. Thanks for the support :)

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  12. All the responders who are feeling for the friend - who certainly deserves our consideration, everyone does - need to remember that Enigma is not the one writing the comments. If people are unnecessarily harsh, that is their opinion and has nothing to do with the post's author.

    Also, blogs are pretty anonymous for most of us. I know it's disconcerting to read someone's perceptions of you personally on an open forum, but the chances of you knowing the other readers are generally nil. And it's my personal opinion that the world would be a far better place if we could all see ourselves analyzed by others. Even when we disagree with the conclusions.

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    1. Exactly! which is why i dont censor my comments. People have been saying some harsh things about me, but i'd rather publish them than never hear them at all.

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  13. My dear sarah, you're such a sweet person and I feel for your loss and pain. We've all lost friends and family because we left a certain group of beliefs... and it hurts so much every time.
    You know, maybe it would be a good idea to ask your friend for a serious talk about this, giving her time, letting her decide when to have it. Be honest about your impression of the situation and ask her for her point of view on it. You've been friends for 10+ years I guess and it would be a shame to to lose that over something that might've been said over a stressy situation (on both sides). I know this means that your pain could grow bigger, but the way I see it, at least you won't have to ask yourself if you've tried everything to be the best friend you could possibly be.
    Maybe give her some time to cool down and think it over. I'm sure that would help you as well. Oh my, Sarah, if we lived next door I'm sure you'd be a great friend for me, I so felt everything you described in your post.

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    1. Thanks for your kind words :) ((hugs)) It has been a very painful journey for me these last few months. :/ It so good to hear that i am not alone. i added a little note at the end of this post as sort of response to the "stressy situation" thing.. I wish it was just a huge misunderstanding, i really do. I didnt let myself believe it was over for so very long.

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  14. Well it certainly seems that you don't have a lack of "friends" or people that are already asking for the title "best friend" Both people should just suck it up and move on... It's called "life" now live it!

    And how could you seriously not expect your "best friend" not to read your own blog/diary? I guess you really didn't consider her your best friend then; did you?

    This may not be any of my business but since you are posting on a public blog then I'm assuming that you are asking for advice.

    Stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on. It's time to grow up and blow away.

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    1. First, this blog is anonymous. (As I mentioned in my note at the bottom of this post.) Only a few of my sisters know about it. (Or so i thought)Second, this comment really confused me.... You seem very angry, which makes me think that you probably know some of the people mentioned (anonymously) in this post. Which means you probably know me personally and have my cell phone number. If you are angry with me or feel you have insight into the situation please feel free to text me. I can't really respond appropriately or properly address your concerns if you insist on presenting yourself as an "anonymous" commenter.

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  15. I don't know any of you. I would text you but I'm not one of your friends, I'm just a blog reader. I was trying to give you a non bias opinion which it didn't seem like you were getting anyone else that had some stake in the matter.

    I had a friend that I grew up with that one day decided to delete me from his life without even giving me a reason. After starting my career and becoming successful in life he tried to re-friend me... It was too late though. I also had one of my friend from out of state come up to visit my girlfriend at the time(whom he had never met) and decided not to even tell me. There is always one thing you can count on friends for and that is let you down.

    family is usually a safer bet, but in some cases thats not true either.

    Sorry i can't text or call you but i don't have your number.

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    1. So because you moved on, so should she? Jeez.

      Apparently you have a rather cynical view of life and your friends. Yeah, people let you down. Doesn't mean it hurts any less when they do.

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  16. You have to release the dove, and if it was meant to be....it will return to you.

    Look at the situation with wisdom and compassion. People do all sorts of things for reasons that are not always that obvious.

    I understand what if feels like to be rejected by someone you love....but people do grow apart....it happens. It's part of the journey. You have absolutely no control over how other people will treat you, but you do have absolute control over how you will treat others. What about someone you love deeply? What if that friend, who probably has hidden/valid reason reasons, seems to reject you for a time? What if you feel pain? Will you air your dirty laundry in a public blog? Anonymous schmonymous. It's the public internet.....and if I was your friend I would feel hurt after reading this public pity party too.

    I know it hurts deeply to feel rejected. It's a shaming feeling...like there is something wrong with you. But it's possible that this is all in your head. I'm sure you have deeply offended your friend by this post. Sometimes even our best friends need some space. Keep loving....but don't force yourself. That's just annoying.

    Your friend just had a baby? It was in extreme bad taste to post an article like this at such a time in her life.

    You have to look at people with understanding for where they are in their journey if you want the same in return.

    After reading your article several times I am constantly struck by how "woe is me" and victimized it all sounds. This is just strait talk opinion...not an attack on you by any means. :)

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  17. Hey Honey,
    Your little post about the loss of a friendship you had considered close, could have been written about the loss of any friend. The fact that all of these “anonymous” commenters keep showing up to ream you out is just more proof that this friend is feeling perfectly free to bad talk you behind your back while claiming injury from a post you wrote on the topic of friendship ending over faith without even mentioning her by name. How is what she is doing any different than what she claims you did by writing this post? ((Hugs)) I’m sorry that this has gone so badly, I know you value your friendships highly. You have always made such a strong effort to be there for your friends. Try to remember that you have value and you are a loyal awesome person.
    Love from your Sister.

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    1. Thanks Melissa :) All these "anonymous" comments have been frustrating for me. I always automatically blame myself for everything, which is why i fought so hard for so long to maintain my relationship with her. I ignored all the little jabs, slights, and hurtful words for EVER. I didnt ever mean for so many people to get so upset, I wish this was still a safe place to pour out my heart. Thanks for the love!

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  18. Not that you need to hear this now, but, when you make new friends that love you for you and nothing else, this pain will disappear in the distance. Sure, you can remember it with a pang in your gut every once in a while, as I do when I think of my Mama, but with the good friendships of the present and the brighter future, it won't feel like "Heartsick" anymore, but rather like reading a sad page of an autobiography - forgotten when you close the book.

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  19. As the husband mentioned in the post, I can perhaps shed some light on another point of view perhaps. Any takers?

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    1. This is a diary not a debate. :) If you have something you think you'd like to say to me, feel free to email or text.

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