Confidence is a long lost memory today. I lower my eyes when people pass me. I don’t want to see the disgust I imagine I’ll find in their eyes.
Today when my boss yells at me, I forget how to stand up for myself.
I just feel bad,
“sorry. I’ll do better.”
I waddle back to my desk and sink into my chair, defeated. 10am and I’ve already had enough of this day.
I long for my bed.
In part because I am tired, but also because I know the blankets are thick enough to hide me from the rest of the world.
What is wrong with me today?
It reminds me of my old life.
Reminds me of the shame,
the helpless frustration.
I am angry that something so insignificant holds such power over me.
I’ll take this skirt off tonight after work. I’ll throw it straight into the trash.
I don’t care if it was new when I bought it last year. Nothing and no-one has the right to make me feel bad about myself. I won’t let it happen ever again.
Tomorrow I’ll wear pants. I’m actually kind of proud of this lumpy round butt of mine. J