Friday, March 8, 2013

Still Crying: The Opposite of What You Meant To Teach Me

This post is from an anoymous author. 
       

     Even when I wasn’t the child being spanked, I searched for a place of solitude where I could cry without being caught. Hearing my brother’s screams through the closed doors of my father’s study was more traumatizing than getting spanked myself.

      Now, 10 years later, if I even hear my dad start to get angry with one of my siblings I immediately find a way to take care of the situation before he does.  i just take over or yell at him for scaring a kids. I'm not scared of him for me. Just scared that the babies will be scared of him. I have to shield them from the cause of the fear that was embedded into my life.

Why did my brother have to get hurt so badly though? I knew he didn’t do anything wrong on purpose! Eventually, I ran out of excuses to hide. Now, I can’t cry. I just deal with it.
When I dragged the wooden spanking stick to one of my parents in total shame? Well, that was alright because I knew I had done something wrong. Did it matter what I had done? They knew better than me and loved me so obviously it was my fault. Now, I am a perfectionist. I am constantly told to “relax” and “it doesn’t have to be perfect…” But doesn’t it?
 For as long as I can remember, I have been able to wiggle my way out of trouble. Mostly by lying, sometimes barely manipulating the truth. You got spanked for lying, but it was better to risk getting caught in a lie than be punished no matter what the truth was. Now, it has taken years of struggling with my natural instinct to lie. Only my hard work has made me the honest person I am.
The only fixed standard in my childhood was that whatever Dad says goes.  If I had any other ideas I had better not voice them. Now, I have to force myself to share my opinions no matter who I am talking to.
It has taken me years to overcome my struggles and will be many more before I am through with them. One thing I can say for sure, however, is that I have only learned the very opposite of what spanking was supposed to have “taught” me.

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3 comments:

  1. I read this when you posted it but didn't have time to comment then. I can definitely relate to the feeling of helplessness in protecting younger siblings. In spite of my efforts to the contrary, I find myself growing farther and father apart from many of them our lives continue to progress and the memories still stand between us. Especially the ones who have chosen to continue the cycle.

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  2. I remember trying to hide my face in my pillows so I wouldn't hear my brothers screams. I would plead with my dad to listen to me, to let me tell him it wasn't their fault and they didn't deserve it, but he'd push me away and tell me to be quiet.

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  3. The worst for me was hearing my sister get beat I would plug my ears in the other room and cry, my mother would often walk by and say why are you crying you're not in trouble, the bible says spare not for their crying I am doing what god commands so stop crying

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