In one of these moments of self-doubt, I turned to my childhood journal for affirmation. What I found startled me even more than my memories. Every page is swimming with self-hatred. Half the journal entries read like a suicide note. It's horrifying.
Fundamentalism teaches children that they are sinners. It teaches them to deny themselves, despise their needs, sterilize their personality, and strangle their sexuality. It teaches girls that they are stupid, insignificant, and purposeless without a man. The things you believe about yourself during your formative years shape the way you think, feel, and behave for the rest of your life. Nothing can be more crippling than self-hatred.
To illustrate how deeply fundamentalism destroys a child's self-worth, I am considering publishing some of the entries from my childhood/teenage journals. This will not be a commentary on my family or the things that happened in my home. It will be a glimpse into the mind and heart of a little girl who believed she did not deserve to live. My hope would be that people will see the dangers of fundamentalist Christianity and think twice about the things they teach (or allow to be thought) to their children.
Would anyone find this helpful or interesting? Would you be interested in sharing bits from your childhood journal to add to the illustration?
UPDATE: Many people experienced similar self-hatred stemming from psychological abuse that was not necessarily religious in nature. I welcome journal entries from those children as well as they offer a clear example of how religious fundamentalism is a form of psychological abuse.
I've thought about doing that too!
ReplyDeleteWould anyone find this helpful or interesting? Are you kidding!? ABSOLUTELY! What you write now can be tinged with wrong opinions 'cause you're a grown-up...but what you wrote as a child will be pure truth about what you went thru! First thing I thought when I saw the post on FB was, "Wow! I wanna read this!" And, it reminds me of how much I hate that doctrine of "original sin" which is NOT in the Bible yet probably 95% of Christians believe it. This is just one more example of how damaging that lie is.
ReplyDeleteMy diaries are also full of self-hatred. Tho' it was not religiously motivated. But, I was a spanked kid...
I had a buncha' stuff packed away while we were in Guatemala...stuff like my diaries etc...and I was just reunited with these things after 15 years of separation. And, while unpacking the stuff I found a book I was trying to write...back in 1990...and it was to be called, "Suicide Note"...and it was to be my life story. I might have something to share with you...
Wow. "suicide note." That is so telling. :O I often wonder if my parent's ever saw the things i wrote in those diaries. Nobody should ever have to feel that way! I would love to post anything you want to share!
DeleteMaybe a bunch of us should get together and post some old diary stuff on our blogs with links to everyone else's?
ReplyDeleteGood idea! If you're gonna do one just call it "Dear Diary: *insert title here*" So they all have a coherant name. And then just post a link back to here. And I'll link back to your posts as well.
DeleteWill do! :D
DeleteI think it's a good idea, though fraught with the potential for more conflict of course. I don't think I wrote enough in my childhood journals, and I mostly was a dreamer anyway; but you've made me curious. I'm going to look them up. I think I have 3 or 4 with like a dozen entries lol. I wasn't known for my completion skills. :)
ReplyDeleteI wrote in my journals as a kid, but I was always afraid they would be found by my parents. I needed to confide in someone, even an inanimate journal, about how awful I felt, and about what I now know is emotional/psychological abuse. Because I was afraid they would be found, I periodically threw them away, directly into the big garbage bins. I kind of wish I hadn't, but then again, I was afraid of getting punished.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't so much religious or fundamentalism, but more of my dad's emotional and psychological abuse, and the pervasive fear, walking on eggshells, that drove the journal-writing.
If I still had them, I'd share, just to look at the similarities of fundamentalism with not-necessarily-fundamentalism forms of child abuse.
(PS: You're awesome, Sarah. You just are.)
I'm very interested in reading that! I could probably add something from my own journals too, although mine are all from my teen years. It's really painful to read though them and feel the depression and guilt and the attempts to psych myself up to trust/praise/love God more despite my "badness".
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, yes ... I ran across some old notes and scraps in my computer files from even just a few years ago, and I had nearly forgotten how exhausted, desperate, and self-righteously self-deprecating I used to be.
ReplyDeleteAs a male, and as a member of a "fundy-lite" family, my situation wasn't nearly as extreme as many of the people around us, but fundamentalism is unbelievably destructive at EVERY level.
I'm very interested too and I think it's a great way to process all that stuff while at the same time helping other people. Also completely unrelated, but I've always admired people who could maintain a diary since I suck at that. I remember writing how I felt on a diary after my parents' divorce one of the few times I managed but I lost that diary not much later.
ReplyDeleteI would be very interested! I do have some old stuff here but I never really kept a diary. I'm not sure if I can find something useful in there but I'll definatly look through it!
ReplyDeleteI wish I would have saved my journal entries from my early days... I threw them out just recently after happening upon them. They were so full of self loathing and self hatred at doing everything wrong... a lot of despair and angst. If I happen upon anymore I would love to share mine. Keep you posted if I do find some.
ReplyDeleteBIG hug.. Amy
Gah, I thought all my journals were in one place, but they aren't! Not finding the one I was looking for. I found lots of entries though full of relationship angst stemming from my extreme codependency and lack of self-worth. And a few where I was really upset at my parents for the really dumb things they did! Lol
ReplyDeleteI would love to post some of mine, but they're somewhere. My Brother and SIL found them not that long ago, but they went missing again... NOW I REALLY want to find them again!
ReplyDeleteI've experienced the same feelings over leaving fundamentalism and quiverfull lifestyle. Thanks a lot for your words!
ReplyDelete