Longing

I am intimately familiar with the feeling called longing

Intense, sharp, caustic need

the kind that chews a hole inside your chest

like a shot of novocain, a burn and a sting

I only ever longed for freedom

burning my hands over a steaming pot

the future stretching out before me

strangled by the sameness and monotony

longing like bile in my throat

gagging, choking, my stomach in knots

fight or flight, but i could do neither

twelve years old and living in my own coffin

need is dangerous

if you acknowledge it, it demands to be satisfied

and when you can’t deliver

longing will tear.you.apart.

with sharp, curved claws

longing tore it’s way through my lungs

i stopped breathing for 6 years

those talons tore divots in my baby skin

I chased after freedom even as my lips were turning blue

flat on my belly, crawling with my fingernails

this longing is brutal

it will kill you before it will be ignored

every year i long for Fall

every fall i’d turn one year closer to freedom

it was fall when I broke away and started running

fall is a clean cold slate against fevered skin

the longing for freedom is part of being human

it’s right beneath your skin

a hungry monster you will never escape

I’d advise you to embrace it before it eats you alive

(originally published on my Tumblr)

Anxiety

For me Anxiety comes in spurts. I'll be fine for a year and suddenly have the worst month of my life. I found this post here on Tumblr describing and explaining anxiety. It's perfect and amazing and sooo accurate. I just had to share it with all of you.

things we (people with anxiety) are trying to do all the time:

• 1. be safe

things we can’t help but do all the time:

• 1. second-guess ourselves
• 2. behave impulsively and reactively
• 3. take everything personally
• 4. worry
• 5. worry
• 6. worry
• 7. have difficulty accepting compliments
• 8. have difficulty reciprocating friendly gestures
• 9. have difficulty finding the courage to respond
• 10.  have difficulty not being suspicious of others’ intentions
• 11.  make a huge deal out of the smallest thing

things you should keep in mind:

• 1. we’re scared of everything
• 2. pretty much all of the time
• 3. it’s an actual disorder
• 4. it manifests as impulsive behavior
• 5. you can’t fix us with words
• 6. telling us “worrying is silly” won’t make us stop worrying
• 7. it’ll only make us feel silly
• 8. and then we’ll worry even more
• 9. “oh god, am i worrying too much? what if she calls me silly again?”
• 10.  like that
• 11.  also, we wear a lot of armor
• 12.  cold, heavy, affection-proof armor with spikes
• 13.  we constructed this armor as children
• 14.  we’re fairly certain you will never be able to pry it apart
• 15.  but there is a nice person under there, we promise

things you can do for a friend with an anxiety disorder:

• 1. stick around
• 2. ask him/her if they’re comfortable in a place or situation
• 3. be willing to change the place or situation if not
• 4. activities that help them take their mind off of things are good!
• 5. talk to them even when they might not talk back
• 6. (they’re probably too afraid to say the wrong thing)
• 7. try not to take they’re reactions (or lack thereof) personally
• 8. (the way they expresses themselves are distorted and bent because of their constant fear)
• 9. (and they knows this)
• 10.  give her time to respond to you
• 11.  they will obsess over how she is being interpreted
• 12.  they will anticipate being judged
• 13.  it took me four hours just to type this much
• 14.  even though i sound casual
• 15.  that’s because i have an anxiety disorder

things you shouldn’t do:

• 1. tell us not to worry
• 2. tell us we’ll be fine
• 3. mistake praise for comfort
• 4. ask us if we are “getting help”
• 5. force us to be social
• 6. force us to do things that trigger us
• 7. “face your fears” doesn’t always work
• 8. because—remember—scared of everything
• 9. in fact, it would be more accurate to say we are scared of the fear itself

emergency action procedure for panic attacks:

• 1. be calm
• 2. be patient
• 3. don’t be condescending
• 4. remind us that we’re not crazy
• 5. sit with us
• 6. ask us to tighten and relax our muscles one by one
• 7. remind us that we are breathing
• 8. engage us in a discussion (if we can talk, then we can breathe)
• 9. if we are having trouble breathing, try getting us to exhale slowly
• 10.  or breathe through our nose
• 11.  or have us put our hands on our stomach to feel each breath
• 12.  ask us what needs to change in our environment in order for us to feel safe
• 13.  help us change it
• 14.  usually, just knowing that we have someone on our side willing to fight our scary monsters with us is enough to calm us down

if you have an anxiety disorder:

• 1. it’s okay.
• 2. even if you worry that it’s not okay.
• 3. it’s still okay. it’s okay to be scared. it’s okay to be scared of being scared.
• 4. you are not crazy. you are not a freak.
• 5. i know there’s a person under all that armor.
• 6. and i know you feel isolated because of it.
• 7. i won’t make you take it off.
• 8. but know that you are not alone.

Seriously, if you know sombody with anxiety, follow these guidlines. If you have anxiety "I know there's a person under all that armor... I won't make you take it off, but know that you are not alone."