I threw away all my skirts a long time ago, but today I found one more, buried in the back of my closet. It was brand new when I bought it last year. I haven’t done laundry in a while, so I decide to wear it to the office.
It’s just dressy enough.
I check the mirror more than usual this morning.
The skirt is floor length, and it looks really good on me.
Stylish.
Classy.
So why am I so uncomfortable?
I make myself hurry out the door for work. If I let myself change again I’ll be stuck in the closet all morning.
I run all the way to the car.
In part because I am cold, but also because I don’t want anyone to see me.
“You look fine” I remind myself, frustrated with my insecurity.
On the way to work, I am grateful for the thick soft warmth wrapping around my legs, but as soon as I arrive, my skirt gets caught in the car door and I feel foolish.
The long heavy material tugs at my ankles every time I take a step. I am acutely aware of it. It feels like shackles. An invisible chain holding me hostage.
I feel fatter than usual today too. My naked legs brush against each other when I walk: a constant reminder of that extra 10 pounds.
I slouch a little,
embarrassed,
wondering if everyone can see what I see.
“I am thankful for this skirt.” I tell myself. “It’s hiding these unsightly legs, and this lumpy round butt.”
Confidence is a long lost memory today. I lower my eyes when people pass me. I don’t want to see the disgust I imagine I’ll find in their eyes.
Today when my boss yells at me, I forget how to stand up for myself.
I just feel bad,
useless,
stupid.
“sorry. I’ll do better.”
I waddle back to my desk and sink into my chair, defeated. 10am and I’ve already had enough of this day.
I long for my bed.
In part because I am tired, but also because I know the blankets are thick enough to hide me from the rest of the world.
What is wrong with me today?
The skirt.
It reminds me of my old life.
Reminds me of the shame,
the embarrassment,
the helpless frustration.
I am angry that something so insignificant holds such power over me.
I’ll take this skirt off tonight after work. I’ll throw it straight into the trash.
I don’t care if it was new when I bought it last year. Nothing and no-one has the right to make me feel bad about myself. I won’t let it happen ever again.
Tomorrow I’ll wear pants. I’m actually kind of proud of this lumpy round butt of mine. J
Love this! You capture how it feels to be dragged back in time. I can't bring myself to wear skirts either. Every so often I tell myself that I can do it, and then I spend the rest of the day feeling opressed. You and me in pants, showing off our lumpy rounds butts off together. :)
ReplyDeleteOh.my.goodness.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean.
Especially jean skirts. Even my cute knee length ones I almost hate because I HAD to wear them, either at church activities or to my parents because my mom will have a fit otherwise. I no longer feel myself when I have to wear it, it's foreign and just reminds me of being forced to do something that made no sense but was sooooo important. I'll have to wear one when I go over to my parents' for Thanksgiving and just UGH.
I do love my dress skirts though, mainly pencil and all above knee (such a rebel I am). Paired with heels makes me feel confident. I think that it's because I got most of them on my own, not because I had to.
And hehe I can relate to the not-so-ideal butt. Compared to my stick-thin sisters' mine is Kim Kardashian size :P