Independence: My Great Escape. (Part 1)

I married young. Upon many occasions i have seen marriage used as an escape for adult children, trapped at home by parents and the Patriarchal lifestyle. Two kids, caught in the system, clinging together for dear life. I like to think that desperation had nothing to do with my decision marry, but it was defiantly the force that put me in the position in the first place. I was struggling to find myself, forced to lie about it, trapped in a cycle of guilt. I dragged myself to the finish line of high school. I begged my dad not to make me finish Algebra, coaxed them into signing the transcripts i wrote. There was only one school of higher learning they would consider letting me attend. A private christian college in Virginia. A college that didn't accept federal grants or loans. I applied, knowing full well my parents couldn't put one cent towards the $30,000 tuition. My dad told me to start looking for scholarships. My mom called it a leap of faith.
I found my self an SAT tutor and scraped by with a 1810. There were some serious holes in my education. I stood on the precipice of the rest of my life and i was terrified. No Money, No Choices, No Cap and Gown. I knew the smartest thing to do would be stay home, go to community college, work for my dad, save money. But i had to get away. the thought of being here any longer, hiding my boyfriend, lying to my parents, the emotional manipulation, the constant judgement, the expectation, I couldn't do it any more.
I started talking to a recruiter for the Army. It was a way out. A way to pay for the education i so desperately wanted. Most importantly, It was a decision that, once made, could not be reversed. Could not be held over my head. I was close. One confirmation away from heading down to the office and signing away 4 years, and maybe my life. I don't know what changed my mind. Maybe i was afraid of dying, afraid i would get to see my baby brothers grow up. Maybe i wasn't ready to see the bitter disapproval in my dad's eyes. maybe it was God. Whispering some silent promise that He was on my side, that everything would be okay. Whatever it was, I knew it was time to go. I stood at that gaping precipice. And I Jumped.


(...to be continued)