Still Crying: GIRL

This piece is from a reader named Ona Courtright. This one moved me to tears. Thank you Ona.
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Pants up
Pants down
Underpants on
No underpants at all
Wooden spoon
Leather flyswatter
Hand
Switch
Belt
Angry
Deliberate
While yelling
While silent
In public
In private
With explanation
No explaining at all

Two swats
Four swats
Six swats
Eight, or more

These are the ways you broke my heart
Stunted my spirit
Bruised my body
Because (in the name of Jesus) and for my own good, it hurt you more than me?

I doubt your pain continues,
28 years past,
since the time I took the switch and
hit you back,
knock-down, drag-out
black eye, thirteen
my first rebellion.

Begged the teacher not to call the cops
because you're my mother
and I loved you,
I protected you.
Can you say the same for me?

My sister, 16, caught
out after curfew
panicked and begging
don't let him take me home
they almost didn't

Almost.

It woke me up, 1 AM
her screaming, sobbing.
That was the last time
(in the name of Jesus)
it hurt you more than her.

She has her period now, you tell him
It's time to try new things.
Too late.
Her next six boyfriends
(or was it eight?)
and her husband
will all hurt themselves
more than her
for her own good.
Some in the name of Jesus
Some in the name of Allah
most just because they can.

I doubt you feel rage still,
I doubt you struggle
in your parenting,
in your relationships
to know the difference between
discipline and love and abuse

I doubt you still wrestle
with voices in your head
listing your offenses:
rebellious
stubborn
obstinent
disobedient
headstrong
proud
backtalking
disrespectful
GIRL

(Please show your support and leave comments for the authors if you can. Remember, this is an open ended series! Please consider writing something yourself, or sharing the project with your friends and followers. The guidelines are listed here, but feel free to write in whatever format is easiest for you.)

Still Crying: Anne's Experience

This piece is from Anne Moser of QuickSilverQueen. Thank you Anne for your bravery.

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Shame. Everybody knows where you're going and what you're going to get when you follow Mom or Dad into their bedroom.

Humiliation. Bending over in front of one (or both) of the people you should be able to trust, waiting for the first blow to fall.

Defenseless. Sometimes they make you pull down your pants and expose your bare buttocks.

Rage. Unjust spankings. Watching Dad spank the 12-24 month old because she wouldn't eat something she didn't like...and then because she was screaming from the spanking.

You take whatever they give you. If you don't cry, you get more whacks. If you scream, you get more whacks. You can't win.

No child should have to go through that.

As a child, spankings were a part of everyday life. We didn't know anything different. We didn't like it, and tried to go a whole day without a spanking, but it never worked. We were never good enough. I'm pretty sure that's not what my parents were trying to convey, but regardless, it's the message I picked up. We didn't try to disobey the rules, there were just so many. Most of the time, we were figuring out ways to get around the rules...and got spanked for that, too.

It got worse once I hit puberty. Fortunately, shortly after puberty, they didn't continue making me pull down my pants, but it became more humiliating. My parents were very black and white in the discipline department: anything you did wrong merited a spanking. If you tried to correct something Mom said and she thought you were talking back, spanking. If Dad couldn't figure out who did something, he lined us all up for a spanking. This happened a handful of times. One time that stands out in particular was the time my dad kept spanking us until my soft-hearted brother "confessed" so the rest of us would stop getting spanked. (Later on, Dad found out he was the culprit, but didn't apologize and just said that we had probably deserved the spanking for something he didn't know about.)

I don't know why they started spanking in the first place. I remember my thoughts and feelings as a child; the one thing I wanted most was to make my dad happy and proud of me. He didn't need to spank me, he just had to show me affection and understanding and I would have stopped trying to get around the rules. I would have felt good enough. I would have moved heaven and earth for him.

For us, spankings continued well past puberty, throughout the teen years, and into our twenties. I didn't know it was abuse. I just knew I hated it, and it was especially unnecessary the older I got -- most of those spankings had to do with something I'd forgotten to do, like I'd said "Just a second" after Mom told me to go do something, forgetting to ask if I could finish whatever I was doing before obeying. Just the most inane, little things.

Now, I'm an anti-spanking, child-rights activist. Spanking is abuse. If you wouldn't hit/spank your husband, wife, or best friend, you shouldn't hit/spank your child.

(Please show your support and leave comments for the authors if you can. Remember, this is an open ended series! Please consider writing something yourself, or sharing the project with your friends and followers. The guidelines are listed here, but feel free to write in whatever format is easiest for you.)

Still Crying: Spank Them

This peice is from an anonymous author.

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If you want your children to behave only when you're around, spank them.

If you want your children to see your anger as something to be afraid of, spank them.

If you want your children to sneak behind your back and keep things to themselves to avoid your anger, spank them.

If you want your children to hurt and berate themselves when they feel like they've let themselves down, spank them.

If you want your children to be fed lies like "this hurts me more than it hurts you", spank them.

If you want your children to think that your love is conditional and that making mistakes mean you don't love them, spank them.

If you want your children to physically fight with each other, spank them.

If you want your children to feel justified when your spouse abuses you, spank them.

If you want your children to move far from you the first chance they get, spank them.

If you want your children to resent you and authority, spank them.

If you want your children to be introverted and afraid to let themselves show, spank them.

If you want your children to learn how to draw themselves into dead, emotionless state when criticized because "crying just makes it worse", spank them.

"Spare the rod, spoil the child," they say.

"Use the rod, spoil your relationship with your child," is the reality.

I love my mother and appreciate what she gave us as a single mother who managed to get her two daughters to graduate from university.  But I can't help wondering how much better I'd love her and how much better we'd have turned out if she had never spanked us.

Don't make your children feel the same way about you.

(Please show your support and leave comments for the authors if you can. Remember, this is an open ended series! Please consider writing something yourself, or sharing the project with your friends and followers. The guidelines are listed here, but feel free to write in whatever format is easiest for you.)

Still Crying: The Plan

Good Morning!
Today is the first day of publishing for the "Still Crying" project. I will be posting a new submission every other week day for the next month or so. I decided to leave one day between each post so that each entry would receive the attention it deserves. I will also be posting a list of pertinent links towards the end of the series.


As we all know, the subject of corporal punishment is painful and often triggering. The authors of these submissions have shown incredible strength and bravery by coming forward with their stories. Please show your support and leave comments for the authors if you can.


When I was on my way out of fundamentalism, it was stories like these that helped me realize I wasn't crazy. It was brave bloggers and supportive commenters that helped me come to terms with the abuse I experienced as a child. My hope is that this series will reach others like me, as well as any parent considering the use of corporal punishment. If we can help even one broken spirit to heal, or prevent even one child from being hit, this will be more than worth it.


So please join me in welcoming Anne, Dara, Melissa, Lisa,Yukimi, Ona, Brooke, Chelsea, Elizabeth, Conundrum, and the many anonymous authors who are a part of this project. Remember, this is an open ended series! Please consider writing something yourself, or sharing the project with your friends and followers. The guidelines are listed here, but feel free to write in whatever format is easiest for you.

Still Crying: Update

The response I have received for this project has been incredible. Emails, Facebook messages, comments and shares, and even quite a few blog references. Its wonderful to see how important this is to so many people. Submissions are now well into the double digits. Some are poetic, some are informational, ALL are absolutely courageous.

 This week is the Fourth of July, as well as my 2-year wedding anniversary. I’m sure everyone will be cooking out, swimming, or watching fireworks (unless you’re not in the U.S!) Because of this, I have decided to postpone the publishing of my series for one more week. I want each and every one of these stories to receive the attention and feedback that they deserve!  

But the good news is that if you haven’t written a submission for the project yet, you have a whole extra week to get it done!!

Everyone have a relaxing and wonderful holiday! Be sure to check back here on July 9^th for first installment of “Still Crying: the pain of corporal punishment doesn’t end when the spanking is over”

Still Crying: Childhood Memories

(This post was originally published on my old blog: Enigma. I am re-posting it here to kick off the "Still Crying" project)

I couldn't stop crying. That was the problem. I was hot and cold all over, shaking and crying so hard i couldn't breathe. My skin was stinging, throbbing from the punishment that started almost an hour ago. My chest rose and fell in sharp jerky motions with each hickup, with each choking breath i tried to take. "control yourself" he said softly. His voice was sad, almost gentle. Almost.

He was so disappointed in me. I knew it, and now time was running out again. "Are you going to stop?" His grip tightened on my arm. Panic surged through my body, threatening more tears, I bit down on my lip. "God please make me stop! Help me control myself!" My mind screamed out to God, but nothing happened. No sense of calm. I should have expected this, God doesn't answer bad 6-year-olds. My little body shuddered and i started to sob again. Failure. Dad pulled me back over his knee and hit me three times with a wooden spoon. Pain blossomed up the back of my legs, my bottom. I cried. Loud. I was completely unable to control myself and i was dizzy from trying. Dad clamped his hand over my mouth. "silence" he hissed. Now he was frustrated as well as disappointed. What was wrong with me? Why was i too weak to just say "yes sir" and shut my mouth?

My foggy little mind understood why this was happening. I needed to learn to be silent when i was punished and Daddy was helping me. If i was allowed to be loud and mellow dramatic, the neighbors might get the wrong idea and tell the cops that we were being abused. The cops weren't Christians, and they wouldn't understand. They might get a judge to split up our family, and it would be all my fault. Daddy was just protecting our family. I mustered all my strength and stood very still. I sucked in as much air as i could, held my breath and waited. "are you going to control yourself now?" I nodded. Not too fast. "Do you understand why i had to spank you?" I'd forgotten actually, but I nodded anyway. I was running out of air. "Are you sorry?" I nodded again, waited. My vision began to go dark around the edges. I didn't dare draw a breath and ruin this long awaited silence. "Alright, come here" My father took me in his arms and I slowly let out my breath. It was over now. My body was still shaking but my lips were clamped shut. "What do you say Sarah?" he asked. Still no gentleness in his voice, but the anger was gone. I cautiously opened my mouth, terrified that my body would betray me again. I wiped the tears and snot away with the back of my hand and whispered: "Thank You"

Stop Telling Me What I Need

Women need to be protected.

Women long to be told they are beautiful by the men in their lives.

Women are gentle.

Women are born to nurture and support.

Women need to be led.

Women are easily swayed by their wayward emotions.

Women want a knight in shining armor.

Women want to be treated like princesses.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard these phrases (and others like them) coming from a man behind a pulpit. Back when I was still steeped in fundamentalist Christianity, these claims made me uncomfortable because even then I did not fit the mold. I was used to having other people tell me who I should be and what I should want, so I internalized these messages and tried to assimilate myself to this ideal of a woman. It never worked.

When I hear these types of sermons NOW, I am more than uncomfortable, I am angry. How many spirited young girls are sitting in this church, losing their identities while taking notes on how to be a “better” woman? How many innocent young boys are being programmed for misogyny because of the ignorant babbling of a pompous man?

When did the church become the authority on personalities and relationships? What makes them think they know what every woman wants and needs? What makes them think they can solve everyone’s marriage problems with the same list of rules and regulations? When are people going to realize that the church is NOT qualified to be giving out relationship advice? It’s great to incorporate your morality into your relationships, but faith does not replace experience.

For Example:

Professional Dating Advice: “Find somebody who “gets” you, someone who makes you happy. Don’t waste time on people who aren’t honest with you, or who don’t treat you respectfully.”

Church Dating Advice: Make a list of must-have criteria for a potential spouse. If you are a man, wait until you are ready to provide for a family, then seek out a woman who is chaste, modest, and godly.

Professional Relationship Advice: Take the time to learn about what your partner likes, wants, and needs. Every person is different, so don’t assume you know everything about your partner. Be open and honest about your own likes, wants, and needs as well. If your spouse seems upset, don’t assume you know what’s wrong, talk to him/her and make sure they know you are there for them. Good communication is key! If you want to have sex, be sure you know what your partner is comfortable with and talk about your expectations.

Church Relationship Advice: Men, be sure to always treat your girl like a fragile princess. Anticipate that she will always be more emotional and weak than you. Don’t bother her with discussion of sports or anything like that. Be sure to assert your manliness as much as possible. If she ever seems upset, it’s because she’s either hormonal or self conscious. This can be cured by telling her how pretty she is and giving her a box of chocolate. P.S. Avoid sexual contact at all cost, it will destroy your relationship.

Professional Marriage Advice: Be sure to talk through everything with your spouse. Talk about your expectations and feelings regularly. Marriage is a partnership, and you two are a team. You are both unique individuals, so only you can know what works best for you. If you ever feel like you can’t work through something on your own, there’s no shame in seeking a little help. Marriage counseling is good for even the healthiest couples because it facilitates better communication, which is key to a happy relationship!

Church Marriage Advice: God created you two to perfectly complement each other. Your marriage will be happiest and healthiest if you adhere to your god given rolls as men and women. If there is contention in your marriage, it is because one or the other of you is not obeying God’s directives for husbands and wives. If you feel like you are facing a challenge in your marriage that you cannot overcome, there is no shame in seeking a little help. Speak with your pastor or an elder at your church. They can pinpoint who is making what mistakes and help you get back on track towards fulfilling your marital rolls. Once you are, through the grace of God, doing everything required of you in your marriage: all else will follow!

The dating, relationship, and marriage advice I received from my church and parents did major damage to my relationships and eventual marriage. They made me think that there was some kind of heavenly blueprint that applied to every man. They made me think there was a list of does and don’ts that applied to every relationship. I was taught to “prepare” for marriage, but the problem is that there is no way to prepare for a relationship between two variables. There is no way to prepare for a future with a person you’ve never met.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that the church shouldn’t be handing out false expectations about relationships. They shouldn’t be going around telling boys what girls are like, and telling girls what boys are like. They shouldn’t be claiming to know why you’re struggling in your marriage. No two boys are the same, no two girls are the same, and no two relationships are the same. There is no cheat sheet. There is no heavenly blueprint. Nobody knows what you want or need except you. And believe it or not, nobody knows what I want and need except me (and my husband, because i tell him.)

So, Mr. Pastor Man behind the pulpit, you can keep your false expectations and stereotypes to yourself. The fact that I am a woman tells you literally nothing about me. Stop telling boys that all women are the same. And please stop telling me what I need.